A Dating Story
by Bee03
Summary: Please note the genre, this is PARODY; Hermione is on a dating show and the contestants are: Harry, Ron and Draco. //DHr// NOTE: Pen name change, formerly SpikesSweetie.


Harry Potter Parody  
  
Hermione is on a dating show and Harry, Ron and Draco are the contestants; read and be amused!  
  
"Hello everyone! I'm Albus Dumbledor and I'm here to bring you HOGWARTS COUPLINGS! on Witch and Wizarding TV. Welcome! Today's eligible bachlor- ette is Miss Hermione Granger!"  
  
Hermione comes in waving to the audience.  
  
"Hermione is a sixth year student, a prefect, and a know-it-all!" The crowd claps.  
  
"Thank you Prof. Dumbledor. I am giddy to be here today! I just know that one of these three men will be my true love!" Hermione clasps her hands together and flutters her eyelids.  
  
"Right. Anyway, let's bring in our contestants: Mr. Harry Potter is the "Boy Who Lived"; he's the Quidditch seeker and an all-around hero! Mr. Ron Weasley is very poor, but he doesn't let that get him down! He lives in the shadow of his best friends: one being the smartest girl in school and the other being the only person to survive He who must not be named! And finally, Draco Malfoy... He's the bad boy, but damn sexy (A/N: Ahhhhhhhh.......) He's been unintentionally working for the dark lord his whole life and now he finds he's straying from the normal bunch!"  
  
"Hermione, you may begin your questioning."  
  
"Um...okay...bachelor Number One: If I was in a girl's bathroom on Halloween and a giant troll set on the castle by a crazy Voldemort (audience gasps)- yes I said his name- loving fiend who also happened to be a teacher at our school, what would you do?"  
  
"I'm gay. Do I have to answer this?" Harry is looking at Dumbledor.  
  
"Just answer the question."  
  
"How the hell did you get on this show then?" Draco asks.  
  
"I lied."  
  
"But if you like guys then..." Ron puts his hand on Harry's shoulder, Harry looks at it, so does Ron, and then Ron retracts his hand.  
  
"I was hoping to find some cute guys on this show...that one's sexy," Harry points at Draco.  
  
"Um, I'm still waiting! My overlarge intelligence level is dwindling at the moment!" Hermione complains.  
  
"Um, I would use my funky wand-y thing and shove it up the troll's nose. Also, throughout our years together I would always hug you and comfort you because I wouldn't want everyone to know I was gay," Harry answers.  
  
"You just told the whole fucking world," Draco accuses.  
  
"Well, I've decided to come out!" Harry defends.  
  
"Then come out somewhere else! Why am I on this show? I don't even like Granger!" Draco complains.  
  
"Shut-up Malfoy," Harry, Ron and Hermione say together. Harry and Ron glance at each other for a moment before they both turn away.  
  
"Bachelor Number two: um...same question."  
  
Ron thinks for a moment, "I would stand there screaming, and maybe hit it in the head with its club. I would also help Harry." Harry looks at Ron lovingly, Ron grins.  
  
"Bachelor Number Three?"  
  
"What the fuck do I care if you get squashed? I'm his arch rival!" Draco jabs his thumb at Harry.  
  
"Right. Bachelor Number One: if I dated a famous, and I mean totally famous and devilishly HOT World Cup Quidditch player would you totally chide me?"  
  
"Uh, gay," Harry points to himself.  
  
"Right. Number Two?"  
  
"I'd be bloody pissed and then I'd be mad for a week!"  
  
"Three?"  
  
"Why should I care?"  
  
"Good answer. If I dated your arch enemy would you disown me?" Harry and Ron are staring at each other, completely oblivious to Hermione, "Ugh! Number Three?"  
  
"My rival's Potter and he's gay so there'd be no problem there!" Draco nods at Harry and Ron who have clutched hands.  
  
"If I- oh my god!" Hermione slaps her forehead as Harry and Ron start making out. Draco turns away and Dumbledor grimaces. The audience cheers and Hermione grabs the microphone from Dumbledor.  
  
"These two idiots are gay, so I have to pick Malfoy!" Hermione grabs Draco's collar and kisses him roughly.  
  
Suddenly, guys in cloaks come bursting in and lunge at Hermione and Draco. The pair crashes to the ground. The cloaked dudes pull them apart.  
  
"Sorry, but the Dark Lord refuses her."  
  
Harry and Ron spilt apart. Harry steps forward.  
  
"Hey! You can't tell them whom to love! They're people too!" Harry pulls a sword out of his pants.  
  
"So that's where he keeps it," Draco wonders aloud.  
  
"I'm Harry Potter! The "Boy-Who-Lived" and I say "Let those to heteros go before I whip your Voldemort (the audience gasps)- yes I said his name- worshiping asses!"  
  
"Go get 'em sweetie!" Ron urges from behind. Harry turns and smiles at him, lovingly.  
  
"Thanks baby," Harry replies.  
  
"Oh my god!" Dumbledor slaps his forehead.  
  
The cloaked dudes have let Hermione and Draco got to fight Harry. Hermione and her new non-bachelor are making out again.  
  
"And that's it for our show, folks! See you next week on HOGWARTS: COUPLINGS!" Dumbledor yells into the microphone he has retrieved. 


End file.
